The handkerchiefs

A washing machine has lots of handkerchiefs. Professor Gupta is talking to GENERAL SINGH.

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Well, GENERAL SINGH, we've finally scientifically confirmed why handkerchief disappear in the wash. By putting some sensors inside this washing machine, we found that if you spin a stainless metal drum at a few hundred RPM, and then inject a flow of ions in the form of a stream of hot water, it's the ideal way to create a miniature wormhole. A wormhole which does indeed occasionally swallow up a hanky. One hanky every seven point four loads, to be exact.

GENERAL SINGH: This is fascinating work, Professor Gupta.

PROFESSOR GUPTA: I wouldn't start celebrating yet, sir. We've discovered something rather alarming. You see, on some of our test runs, our washing came back not with a missing hanky, but an extra one.

GENERAL SINGH: Are you sure you didn't just lose one?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Yes, sir, we count extremely carefully.

GENERAL SINGH: Was it one of ours?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: No, sir. We ran tests. They look exactly like human handkerchief. And they're always disguised to look like whatever handkerchief are nearby, so until now nobody has ever counted carefully enough to notice that they've gained a hanky instead of losing one. We think this has been happening for years and all over the world. They've been infiltrating their way into our hanky drawers and onto our pockets. Maybe they are waiting for the moment to strike together. They're aliens. Dormant alien larvae. It's an invasion, GENERAL SINGH. And it could already be too late to stop them.

(During this, the GENERAL SINGH has turned away casually. Unseen by the Professor Gupta, he slips a large red hanky over his arm.)

GENERAL SINGH: That's a very interesting story, Professor Gupta. How many people have you told?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Just you, sir.

GENERAL SINGH: Excellent.

He lunges for the Professor Gupta's throat and chokes him with his hanky-covered hand.

MY TIME TRAVEL

After a long time I have got some real bull shit …

It was a rainy day some weeks ago… morning lecture… was feeling very sleepy…
Prof had already noticed all the victims of sleep… he was purposefully avoiding eye contact with them which include me… But my position was such that even after much avoidance, I was highly visible. I was feeling not only dull and inactive but also drowsy and lethargic.

I decided that from tonight I will sleep early but somewhere I knew I am not going to implement this.

My mind was working in two ways- how can I sleep…OR How can I not sleep… it took some courage from my part to decide that I will work on how will I not sleep.

I tried giving myself stimulus by thinking about my past or future but it didn’t work… I almost knew what I am going to think next. Predictability killed the enthusiasm. I tried analysis of my life’s happy & sad phases so far but I have done it several times and each incredible thing of my life has been visited by me several times making it less wondering.

By this time, I was severely sleepy and each minute was looking like an hour… I thought of theory of relativity then. I thought how if I could go to future when the day ends and I could fall in my bed. How if time machine was a reality? I thought is time machine possible?

I asked the guy sitting next to me? He said “I don’t think so.”

Then I thought how I missed the train from Borivali some weeks ago and some thought triggered me.

I told my friend “hey dude, I think it’s quite possible at least theoretically if you believe in theory of relativity!”
He said ”We are in MBA class so I didn’t expect you to think such stupid things but since even I am feeling sleepy and the lecture seems to be in some foreign language… you can explain.”

I was happy. I became active… the sleep had gone… I started “I was coming on Monday by train from Borivali to Vidyavihar. There are trains at almost every 5minutes from Borivali but my house is close to platform number 8 and I wanted a fast train from Borivali of 7:48… If I missed it the next train from no. 8 is at 8 03 that too slow which will lead to me missing the first lecture.”

He got irritated and told “OK I believe you… time travel is possible…”
I said “Dude, I am coming to the point… some scenario awareness was essential for understanding the example…
Coming to the point:
On most days (call such days-‘X’), I reach at time when the train is on platform and waiting for 7 48 to leave.
One day (call this day-‘Y’) I was late to station by 1 minute and the train was leaving in front of me.
I also remembered that there was a day (call this day-‘Z’) when I was early and the train had not yet come.
Now on day Y, I was in the future and on day Z, I was in the past with reference to day X. So theoretically, I have been in the past and in the future with reference to some day.”

He said “It doesn’t totally make sense since they are different days…”

I said “OK… suppose it was the same day. I am going from home to station. Now we know that time = distance /speed. So if I increase my speed… time consumed will be less and I will be early. Also, if I decrease my speed, time taken will be more and I will be in the future. “

He said “not good enough!!”

I said “Now, suppose I move faster and faster… I will reach faster and faster… let us suppose there is a threshold like the speed of light. At the speed of light, things will stop. May be after I cross the speed of light, I will move backwards into the past.”

He said “Now you are crossing insanity.”
I continued “But the thing is that it may not be possible to move matter so far but since I am convinced that a person is beyond his body and senses are actuated in souls which depart. Being a strong believer in the Hindu system of birth, death and reincarnation, maybe we can go to future but a return back may be a big problem.”
He said “Your mom should apologize to the world.”
I said “Time travel could have solved this problem.”
Thankfully the lecture got over.

P.S-1: As you may have guessed I don’t have any such great to friend to bear me so much. I am used to playing chess with myself.

P.S-2: I even had some other great ideas like what strategy I would use if I would become the brand manager of Naughty America and how a new product like Niagara (works opposite of Viagra) has a great market. But I was threatened by my girlfriend of the repercussions if I dare to write on these subjects.

Dream

My dreams …
There are a number of dreams that we have in common. For example have you ever dreamed about your teeth falling out? Or maybe you have had a dream about being in a snake pit or have had common dreams about death or sex or flying or falling or had a dream come true or had a dream in a dream?

I have always been curious to know about the science of dreams and have done a small research on it. I thought of sharing it.

The subconscious mind is a most remarkable mechanism when it comes to creating dreams. Subconscious mind does this because you are its best buddy and it wants to keep you, your emotions, your mind and feelings in equilibrium. Some say Learning the meanings of dreams through their symbols can help you to understand what it is up to and further helps you to help your self.

If we have fears, it tries to feed us those fears little by little in coded dreams to help us overcome them. Occasionally it uses the brute force of a nightmare to get its point across. If we have unfulfilled desires it may provide us with a substitute to alleviate the sense of lacking.

An example:
Raj is a hard working and honest man working in Dubai from a very small village in tamil nadu who works hard to make ends meet. He has an Indian friend named Dhaval who made a false claim for a faked injury. Even though he had no witnesses to his fall, the policy paid him a large amount of money to settle the claim. Raj is dismayed and almost delirious with anger. How could his friend be rewarded for dishonesty while he worked so hard just to get by. He became discouraged and his outlook on life and sense of right and wrong suffered.

Several months later Raj had a dream. He witnessed his friend Dhaval being arrested for fraud, the police handcuffed him and a nearby judge ordered him deported back to India. End of dream. Was his friend really arrested or deported? No. It only happened in dream. His subconscious delivered Raj back to his old self through a dream. It gave him a substitute for justice in a dream which he accepted.

Most dreams may not be so straight forward and may require the use of analyzing techniques.

The average person has about 3 to 5 dreams per night, but some may have up to 7 dreams in one night. The dreams tend to last longer as the night progresses. During a full 8-hour night sleep, two hours of it is spent dreaming. Everybody dreams! This is a scientifically proven fact.

Many people have had dreams that eventually came true afterwards. This can be explained in how we unconsciously gather little information here and there and when you have a dream, it puts together all this unconscious information before you are consciously able to do so (like in “Karthik calling Karthik”). In short, you unconsciously already know what was going to happen and it only appears as if the dream had predicted the future.

Theory says that dreams are a biologically necessary aspect of sleep. Research has shown that people who were prevented from entering the dream state and woken up before they can dream were more easily irritated, jittery, and performed far below average.

A dream that recurs is a clear indication that some issue is not being confronted (like in “Jane tu ya jane na”) or that it has not yet been resolved. Your anxieties about a certain situation that you are struggling with may also cause you to have recurring dreams.

Having a dream within a dream may be safer and more acceptable way to express material from your unconscious. The dream within a dream protects you, the dreamer from waking up. Such dreams often reflect a hidden but crucial issue which you need to acknowledge and confront.

Another thing that is yet unexplained to me is two people having the same dream. A friend of mine and his wife claims to have seen the same dream in the same time…

There is much more to dreams that we can’t even dream about. Like the things one may say in a regression therapy is actually in the memory of the sub-conscious mind and dreams are the processed form of the same which may help our conscious mind.

Four Drunkards and a Damsel

It was Saturday 17th April 2010. I had gone to Saki-Vihar club with my friends. Avik, Niket, Sanif and me….. It was an awesome place…. We were having Royal Stag third round… Actually any place where you can drink and behave immaturely is awesome for us.

Then a girl in black short slutty dress entered. She is so hard so describe. Those wet black eyes. That beautiful face... That perfectly drafted nose with flawless bright pink lips… A milky white complexion…. She was definitely out of our league…. The moonlight reflected her perfectly sculpted body. She must be some Goddess I thought or Devil. I just couldn’t look beyond her face. It was strange, as it has never happened that way. She was sipping melon juice and looking at the door. Must be waiting for someone… how on earth can men leave such a beauty alone?

When we saw her, three of us fell in love with her and Sanif fell from the table. I said in a Gabber Singh voice “CHAR LADKE… EK LADKI… BAHUT NA INSAFI HAI…” Niket replied “ha-ha… as if you were alone u would do something…” The debate started and we ended up deciding that though getting her was like scoring 100 on 100 in mechanics but nevertheless we will try. Especially when you are drunk you take it seriously that “EVEN IMPOSSIBLE SAYS I M POSSIBLE”.

Sanif is a Daring guy and he has been carrying the caps since 17… the same one…. May be they are expired now… (He has always been optimistic at the same time unlucky) He is always broke and had already announced that day that he has forgot the wallet at home.

Niket is a gamer-scientist-type of guy… he produces electricity from urine, wins all competition of robotics as well as programming, swears of Einstein and Newton, claims to understand matrix. He argues with sir on issues like how can 1/infinity be zero and co-efficient of friction cannot actually be a co-efficient.

Avik is the most good-looking, smart, somewhat experienced (in chicks) and rich among us. He paid for us most of the times. He was like a love guru for us … but he wasn’t that smart either… ‘It is only theory of relativity’ as Niket used to put it.

I am the one with whom girls would never object on a night out. Not that they I had such a great image… they thought I was gay. I had neither of the characteristics of my friends but I used to copy their lines and marrow on chickylets and impressofy them !!!! (never worked though). Now it was time to decide who will be the first to try… I said I would be the first one... since if anyone of you try before me and get going… I won’t even have a chance to try…I was so wrong…

I went to her…looking confident but didn’t know what to saw… but I was moving towards her with three royal stags down and BAD DHAVAL (that’s what I call my potential for doing evil)
I said “hi… … right!”
She said “ya… and who are you?? Harman Baweja??”
“Sorry! I didn’t get you…”
“but I get you… I suggest you to go back to your seat… ”
“Thank you”.


I was done… I was hurt (I had the right. she called me Harman Baweja yaar). Out of league… It couldn’t have been worse… I need a large now… I came back to my seat.
I hoped the case with other three of my friends will be worse if not worse… otherwise I will have issues with myself!! All the three looked at me. I said “Whhhat??” Avik was a bit apprehensive about his smartness now but he couldn’t back off since we all were looking at him.

Avik went there and said “hi… there. I would like to apologize for my friend Dhaval. He is not able to handle drink… ”. Smart ass. I feel used.
She said “And what about you…”
“I am Avik… what’s your name?”
“I didn’t ask your name… I was asking are you able to handle the drink? Or you are same as your stupid friend.”
“Good one”
“So…” (With an irritated look)
“Nothing… just came for that… are you waiting for someone?”
“How does that bother you?”
“Oh nothing… Sorry… nice talking to you …”

He came back and said “She told me that she is waiting for her boy friend otherwise I would have got her u know!!”
Sanif replied “Ya. And pigs will fly and we believe you!”
He said “At least I talked to her more than Dhaval…”
Niket replied “So you thought it was a competition of who talks to her for more time?”
I thanked Niket in imagination.

It was time for Niket. He was the most drunk of us all. He walked like a combination of tortoise and snake towards her.
And said “Looking at you, the creationists may have a point after all.”
“What?”
“Did you know that if oysters had no natural enemies, in 10 years the world would be 28 miles deep in oysters?”
“What is your problem? What do you want?”
“You have nicer legs than an isosceles right triangle!! I mean how can I know a hundred digits of pi, but not the 10 digits of your phone number?”
“What?”
“The point is every time I see you, I over clock my processor and my cardiovascular system gets all worked up and I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.”
She Replied “What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the ONE.”
They continued their scientific conversation four about 20 minutes and they left for some place. As Niket later told us, there was a biochemical reaction between them which led them to coitus later that night.

We are still not sure how all this happened. Sanif didn’t get a chance and still had his stuff unused. But for a change he has started studying Quantum Physics and Trigonometry.


Moral of the story: Education helps. Study.

Mumbai to Ahmedabad....

I caught the train. Seat number 43. It’s a SL class upper berth. Alas not a window seat. I saw some white guy sleeping on the upper berth opposite mine. I could see him only from back. He may be a foreigner or suffering from Leukoderma, the later being non contagious. I don’t know why, I looked at him many times….I was acting strange. Normally I do such things only for chicks and I hoped I wasn’t turning gay.

Then I went to my upper berth exactly opposite to his (seat no. 46) and you guessed it wrong… I went to sleep. I remember some excerpts of my dreams including being April fooled (it was 1st April) in all ways and doing Salsa with the guy sleeping opposite me. I got calls from guys and girls who were either tricked or not by my April fool messages. (7 out of 11 got tricked... not bad ...No?). I couldn’t sleep anymore since I am not the master of my own bladder. The guy opposite me was not there anymore. I looked down and saw him… he was a foreign body reading something. Then I went to empty myself and came back and sat next to him.

I was reading “life after death” by Deepak Chopra (no relation to Aditya Chopra) and was reading “The Tibetan way of living and dying” (not on Chinese government). Damn, his book was thicker than mine. After 2 minutes, 9 seconds and 87 milliseconds of reading, he saw my book and smiled.

He said (for the first time to me) “I am reading a book on a similar theme.”
I said “I know I saw yours.” And to myself ‘since I am Indian’.
He asked if I have read the book he was reading. I said I hadn’t.
I asked him has he read any other book on similar theme. He said he had read “Many Masters Many Lives”. I said I have read that one too. Then I told him that I was curious to know about the different planes of afterlife mentioned in “Many Masters Many Lives” and so I was reading “Life after Death”. I also told him about another book on similar theme “Coming Back” and the similarities in the concept of all the three. He gave his point on his book and that added to four books from four different (great) people from different background stating unscientific stuff which showed consistency to a great extent. I mentioned him that “It was like the people were stating the SIDE VIEW, TOP VIEW and FRONT VIEW and if we combine them, it is possible to get an ISOMETRIC VIEW.”

He seemed impressed by my analysis. I asked his name. Handshake: Cory Goldberg…. Dhaval Trivedi. “Are you Raven’s Bother by any chance?” I thought. Thank god I didn’t ask….

(BACKGROUND MUSIC: “Chai chai chai bolo chai chai. Chai chai chai bolo chai chai Chai chai chai bolo.”)
He asked for a tea. He asked if I would like to have. I said yes. I put my hands in the pocket. He said “no… let me pay…”

Then while I was sipping tea (without noise to save India), I asked him if he is a tourist. He said he wasn’t… and he worked in India in bollywood and also as a photographer in elite marriages and he was on the way to some palace in Jaipur where he was going as a photographer of a marriage. Now when the word bollywood came, my eyes opened wide and I told him how big a movie buff I am. I asked him which films he has worked in? the ones I remember he said were ‘VEER’, ‘MY NAME IS KHAN’, ‘GUZAARISH’(yet to release), ‘CROOKED’(yet to release), ‘KANK’, Advertisement of ‘incredible India’, etc. he had recently shot a scene for CROOKED with “Abhishek” in a car. He shouted at “Shahruck” in MNIK and was killed by Some Indian in VEER.

He said he wasn’t interested in Bollywood at all and he was doing it just for money. But he liked India. He had done his graduation in photography and was interested in it so he found some jobs in that area too but bollywood payments are more and regular so I worked for movies.

He said that there is a dearth of foreign extras and wherever he went he would meet with the same foreign extras and it was easy for them to find work here… infact no need to find …. The work finds them…

He also pointed out that crores of Rs is wasted in any of the films at large. He gave an example that for KANK, He and about 10 of his fellow mates were trained for acting to play musical instruments for 15 days and at the end of the day it was scrapped and idea was dropped. Sets are made extensively and only a part of it is used and also sometimes the whole of it is wasted if it is cut down in editing.

He pointed out a recent shoot of ‘Guzaarish’ in which ‘Sanjay Leela Bhansali’ shouted and panicked for hours to fix a background full of candle which wasn’t even fully going to come on camera but to get the feel. He referred to SLB as a person who is mentally unstable or acts so. I have seen ‘Sawariya’ and so I couldn’t agree more.

We talked for hours... I told him about myself… I joked him that may be he was an Indian in the previous birth and so he feels so attached to India and wants to stay here in spite of a bad job, poor roads, family away, etc.

He said ‘YES I KNOW THAT’ seriously.
I was stunned.

The station came. I had to get down. I didn’t want to. But, I had to.
May be I had some relation with him in my previous birth. Seriously.

bollywood movied i saw in 2009

The Bollywood movies I saw this year and my opinion about them :

JAN –
1. PRESIDENT IS COMING OK
2. CC2C GOOD
3. RAAZ GOOD
4. LUCK BY CHANCE V GOOD
5. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE GOOD


FEB-
6. DEV D BAD
7. BILLU OK
8. STONEMAN MURDERER OK
9. DELHI 6 BAD


MAR-
10. 13 B GOOD
11. DHOONDTE REH JAOGE GOOD
12. GULAL GOOD
13. KARMA AUR HOLI OK
14. ALOO CHAT OK
15. FIRAAQ GOOD
16. EK GOOD
17. AA DEKHEN ZARA OK


APR-
18. TASVEER GOOD
19. DASAVTAR OK
20. ONE TWO THREE V GOOD
21. WAKE UP SID GOOD



MAY-
22. 99 GOOD
23. AAGE SE RIGHT BAD
24. DIL KABBADI GOOD


JUN-
25. PAYING GUEST OK
26. NEWYORK OK


JUL-
27. KAMBAKHT ISHQ BAD
28. SHORTKUT OK
29. SANKAT CITY GOOD
30. JASHN GOOD
31. LUCK OK
32. LOVE AAJ KAL BAD


AUG-
33. KAMENAY OK
34. LIFE PARTNER GOOD

SEP-

35. WANTED V GOOD
36. YEH MERA INDIA V GOOD
37. FOX OK

OCT-
38. DO KNOT DISTURB GOOD
39. LONDON DREAMS GOOD
40. ACID FACTORY GOOD
41. MAIN AUR MRS KHANNA OK
42. ALL THE BEST V GOOD
43. ALLADIN BAD


NOV-
44. JAIL GOOD
45. AJAB PREM KI GHAZAB KAHANI GOOD
46. DE DANA DAN GOOD


DEC-
47. PAA GOOD
48. ROCKET SINGH GOOD
49. 3 IDIOTS V GOOD


AVERAGE NUMBER OF BOLLYWOOD MOVIES SEEN PER MONTH:
49/12= 4.083

V GOOD = 6/49 = 12.25 %
GOOD = 26/49 = 46.94%
OK = 14/49 = 28.57%
BAD = 6/49 = 12.25%

Such(in) A Player.

There are fans of Cricket (set A) and there are fans of Sachin (set B). The set A has been expanded consistently due to set B. I belong to a category of B intersection A compliment. In my opinion, Cricket owes him a lot. His Contribution to Cricket is more than Pamela Anderson’s contribution to Playboy.

Actually, there is no surprise in Sachin creating another record (First cricketer to score a double century in one day international). It would have been unnatural if anybody else other then he would have done that though Saeed Anwar (194, Pakistan) and Charles Covenrty (194, Zimbabwe) were just a shot away.

He has been exceptional in his personal life and one of the few cricketers to stay away from Dipika and likes. This guy hasn’t drunk and crashed his car even though he has a Ferrari. He is never in gossip areas though consistently in media. Openly disregards the Old Tiger though from the same community. How does he manage all this??? Is he human??? No wonder, some people consider him supernatural.

In the times where, the highest grossing movie ever is on blue people who don’t have much of a story to tell and the highest selling books are mostly the least ‘literary’, here is Sachin who just plays and everything follows. He is the only idol I know.

There is no logic to his records. He just plays. Everything else is just a by-product.

My 3-Day workshop

One fine day, alright alright… I don’t remember the weather that day. So one day I decided to join a Workshop for SNAP at some classes at Andheri. It was a 3-day workshop. And as usual I joined it and paid the fees at 5:55 pm when the classes were to start at 6 pm the same day!! A practice of doing things at the last minute when roots from to Engineering days…


Day 1:

I sat besides a podgy guy. He was like an orange. If you have seen an orange analytically from all dimensions, you will realize that it is one whole body, without any divisions. It’s one continuous stream of orange plasma. We became instant friends for our common interests in SNAP and later more so for our like attitude towards MyFHM AND MySHF if you know what I mean. Then I saw a girl on the first bench and I was bewildered! She was black, thin with her hair. She was wearing a fluorescent tank top and black jeans.

We were told to introduce ourselves. Our professor asked the guy on the second bench though Prachi (her name is not Prachi and why Prachi- I will come to it later) was sitting on the first bench. As usual the guy started introducing himself in accented English. It’s a proved fact that Indians automatically gain a fake English accent when told to introduce themselves in public. I was thinking why the professor didn’t start with my girl. Err the girl on the first bench.
Prachi is the universal name I and my friends have given to hot girls. Whenever I and my friend see a ‘Daav’, ’item’, ’mall’, ’bomb’, ‘babe’… we look at each other and say “Prraaachi” in unison and smirk.


Day 2:

Again she was on the first bench when I entered. She was wearing a white kurti that day. I thought of sitting next to her but I cursed myself of not doing so later as I sat next to my good friend-Orange.
As the lecture started, I was bored… I was finding the empty plastic bottle and the clutch on Prachi’s hair more interesting. I was just thinking about her dressing style, her earrings, her hair, her smiles on our professor’s poor jokes, etc. and I even concluded from my observations that our honeymoon (I wish) will be great. Though she wasn’t so fair and lovely, she was too dark and gorgeous to resist.

Then our professor gave us a ten minutes test. It was nice and he was asking our marks at the end of 10 minutes. I noticed that my honey wasn’t solving anything in those 10 minutes. May be my love isn’t so smart…. Then it will be a winning combination since I am always attracted towards less IQ girls (no points for guessing my Lappy is full of Blondes). That professor didn’t ask her marks. That day I came back home and was loudly singing love songs like “Kuch toh hua hai…. Kuch ho gaya hai…” and putting my one leg high since I believe it helps me hit high notes.


Day 3:
It was the day of action. It’s now or never. It’s a “DO OR DIE” situation. I didn’t want to say “KAAASH” in my entire life-time (Like Johnny lever in Chalte-Chalte). I left from my place with a plan. I am going to sit besides her. Talk to her about which colleges is she applying (for starting a conversation). Ask her name and get her cell number with advanced Formula number 456 to 475 whichever is most suitable at that moment.
Plan B: If the place adjacent to her is occupied, sit behind her or as near to her as possible but if get her number anyways. Plan C: if unable to get her number. Get her notes to study (ha ha) after the class so that I will have to return her and I get her number and I aint an amateur as I sound. I told myself “Dhaval, You can do it and you will have to do it”.

I entered the class. She was sitting as usual on the first bench. I was about to sit besides her when I heard my name”Dhavalll. come here”. It was saala bloody orange. Now I can’t sit on the first bench (That was what I thought at that moment). And I sat next to Orange. Now it was time for plan C. I will have to ask her for her book after the class. But I thought this may back-fire since she seldom writes anything and she may refuse to give the book. She may even give me a dose of Ju-jitsu, savate, karate, kung-fu or parliamentary behaviour. After another hour of sleep, the lecture got over. I was thinking of a better one liner when I suddenly noticed that there was no one on the first bench. I ran outside the class but there was nobody on the large corridors outside. I asked orange about the black girl. He laughed and said there was no girl in our batch. I asked another guy. He said the same. I was out of my psyche.

Then on the way back to my home I was remembering the first time I saw her. I still remember her face. But Ya, the professor didn’t ask her for an introduction, she didn’t solve during the test, the professor didn’t ask her for her marks. She was just s figment of my imagination.


So this was the numinous experience that I had during my 3-day workshop.