It’s April 3, 2030.
I, Rishi and Prabhu are sitting
in at café 90 series. The café is a
theme restaurant for people who grew up in the 80s and 90s which has posters of
Salman Khan and Govinda – the almost forgotten stars; the miniatures of Padmini
and Maruti 800 cars which carries great antique values and has old Indian
currency notes.
We three friends are a frequent
visitor here since it’s a quite place to sit and comparatively inexpensive – non-machine
tea only for 10G (Ten Glodar -the common global currency since 2024)
Myself. 43 years. PhD. professor
of Physics at the Arvind Kejriwal Lokpal university; I believe myself to be
more genius than Einstein and Stephen combined. Missed National award due to
politics; separated after my wife left me for a plumber {one of the highest
earning professionals after farmers in 2030} Sceptic about things in life but
cribbing is one my passion which makes me love my life. My purpose in life is
to end all the sufferings of the world. I will complete the same tomorrow.
Back to the scene:
Me “That’s not what I am saying
Rishi… You fucking completely misrepresent my ideas. You idiot. I really think
I need some new friends. “
Prabhu. 46 years. The IT security
genius guy who was one of the highest paid guys at one time. Now lives on free
grants to software engineers given by government after all Pvt IT security
companies were banned.
Back to the scene:
Prabhu “Calm down Dhaval... Have
tea. He is just …”
Me interrupting “I am not saying
that if Arvind Kejriwal had become the Prime Minister in 2014, we would have
had a worse life… I am just saying his all ideologies are correct but they are
based on one common assumption that – ‘People are fundamentally descent! – Give
them a chance to do right and they will do it’ the truth is that we are just
greedy cowardly short-sighted worms.”
Rishi. 38 years. The richest of
us was smart enough to invest in pharmaceutical and agriculture companies when
others were all gung-ho about technologies and infrastructure. Has high self
Esteem.
Back to the scene:
Rishi “Coward fucking worms??
Speak for yourself. You failed Physicist… “
Me again interrupting “I think it’s
time we accept we made our lives worse over the centuries, over the decades and
over the years. Our scientists, our economists, our businessmen. We all made
our own lives worse. We are a failed species. We all deserve to be evolved back
to monkeys to make our lives better.”
Prabhu “hey Dhaval please… Don’t
start this again. !! “
Me “OK. Then how will you explain
yourself ogling to the waitress for half an hour from whom you can get a half
minutes of rush and half a year of sufferings…”
Rishi “Dhaval. She is hot!! Have
you checked out her…?”
Me looking at her “OK. She is hot.
Sunny Leone ki beti jaisi lagti hai. But, and I am saying this because I am
from the same failed species.”
Prabhu “For once we agree to you.
But, how do you suggest a solution!”
Me “I had thought I have found a
way. It was ‘Nothings wrong – just as long as it doesn’t hurt others’. You
should just have your little joys and not bother in this engineer eats
engineer; CA eats CA stupid world of programmed chaos. But, I was wrong (failed
species again)”
Me to you... yes you the readers…
Why do you want to read this? Let
me get this straight. I am not a lovable guy. Charm was never my forte. Others
are not a priority in my life. In fact they aren’t there in the list. This is
not a feel good thing either. What the fuck will I mean? Nothing. Zero.
It’s a moronic world. Not me. I
am accepting it and have a vision. I am just discussing you. Your friends. Your
movie stars. Your Ambanis and Tatas and Bansals. Your roots. Your Internet.
Full of misinformation. Morality. Science. Religion. Technology. Sports. Money.
Love. Bust. Waist line. Sex. Portfolio. Children. Sugar-free. Organic food.
Insurance. Longitivity. Fuck everyone mahn.
I hate all this. All this is made
by humans to make lives difficult. You will die. And there are new sets of
idiots who we teach all these things and they are fooled too. What’s
appropriate and what’s should be done which makes you great, and that stupid
chap pursues it and lives for these things.
My uncle committed suicide
because the everyday Times of India depressed him. I don’t blame him. With all
the rapes, corruption, AIDS, global warning, terrorism, family values, morals,
etc. you read rape of 8 yr old, you read 67 killed in Africa. What you do?
What I do? I don’t move to the
next page and see hot motion pictures of daughters of Ranbir Kapoor and Shahid
Kapoor and finish my tea. What should I do? Feel helpless? Did you suggest - Vote!
Enter politics! IPS! IAS! Social work! Etc. No. I am a scientist. I know
things. But, I am discussing you.
What did you do?
Initially I failed. I tried to
commit suicide twice. Obviously it didn’t work out… Failed species you see. No,
I am not bitter for some personal setback. The setback was this world. I took
charge and now have the solution.
You. I am sure you are obsessed with
your sad little dreams and hopes. Your predictably unsatisfied love life, your
failed business venture, your reason for low scores in some important exam – If
only you had invested in a house, if only you had asked that girl out, if only you
had bought Flipcart shares… Please put your should haves and could haves in
your assholes. If my dad was a phone charger, I would have been a transformer.
It doesn’t work that way. My mother dint studies much. But, she gave birth to
this genius!! This genuisity who will solve world problems tomorrow.
I have been lucky too. I was
married to a beautiful smart woman.
Cut-to-Decemeber-12-2020. Me 33
years. /*FLASHBACK*/
Me waking up in the middle of a
night and shouting breathlessly “aaaaa bachaaooo… save me!! I can’t breathe… I
am dying!! Save me Krishna-Jesus… Save me Satan if you are the real God… save
me save me”
Sophie (my wife) “What happened??
Are you alright? Should I call a doctor?”
Me “It’s no use. Call those guys
who take dead bodies!!”
Sophie (realizing its just one of
my panic attacks) “Its 4 am. I have an important client meeting tomorrow.
Please go to sleep”
Me “Oh yes... You have to sell
your pieces of junk. The junk used by filthy rich people to buy respect.” She
markets arts collectibles. “I am born wrong in this world of idiots and pieces
of shit.”
Sophie “Am I a piece of shit?” Me
having my medicine with water and she continuously staring at me while I do
that.
Me “Off course!!”
Sophie “Dhaval. You are a very
difficult person to live with!!”
Me “Is that why you had an affair
with Mahesh Murthy?”
Sophie “I have told you. It wasn’t
an affair!! I was just drunk! It was a brief lose of conscience maybe because
of your not paying attention to me! And it was 4 years ago. You still cannot
forget it. ”
Me “I think my hypothesis had the
wrong assumptions. I am leaving you. Bye.” Saying this I left the house and
have been living in my lab for the last ten years to solve the ‘human
problems’. I earned a decent living by teaching at the Arvind Kejriwal Lokpal
University. Nights I had trouble sleeping. But, pills helped.
/* Back to Present*/
April-3-2030 (after my success
three days ago to the devise the device that stops ‘human problem’) at the 90
series café.
A 40 something woman enters the
café and yells “Prof. Dhaval… Did you hit my girl hard today on her face for
not doing some equations right? Are you insane?”
Me “That slut is your daughter.
Do me a favour; don’t send her to me from tomorrow. She is more interested in
attracting guys than anything else on earth! There’s no use teaching physics to
a slut anyways… ”
She “she is a very nice girl you
cheap guy… ” (almost lost her voice)
Me “IN YOUR OPINION. IN YOUR
OPINION. This is so wrong! She is your unfortunate issue”
She “You wait till my husband
comes back from New Goa?” New Goa is the new artificial beach developed in
Gujarat by Mr Narendra Modi when he was the PM. This beach is now the new Goa
attracting tourists around the world after the Old Goa had pollution hazards.
Me “What’s he doing in New Goa
without you anyways??”
Me to my friends “Her husband is
in New Goa with chicks her daughter’s age I guess. Having fun while her mother
and daughter are just trying to have fun... ha-ha”. She leaves.
My friends are not laughing. Ok.
My jokes go too harsh and inconsiderate at time. Had they only known how much I
have helped humanity in the last 10 years and how I am going to end all the
sufferings tomorrow.
Rishi “Dhaval. You are going to
hell. For sure.”
Me “You should read my blog where
I had written on how over the years Hell would be a better place to live…. ”
Rishi and Prabhu left the place before I complete. It’s usual. They were tired
of me.
Me going back to my lab to
Behenandhar (previously as Bhayandar before 2020 woman empowerment movement).
Tomorrow is the day. April 4, 2014. When universe will witness the true truth.
I took my sleeping pills and slept.
/*DreamModeOn*/
Scene: Me in front of Adam and
Eve when Adam was about to eat that apple.
Eve “u da fa aa whuu”. I guess
she is saying “Who the fuck are you?” in the prehistoric Hebrew.
Me “I ka hee tukee whu”. I trying
to adapt to them saying “I come here to kill you.”
Adam comes ahead and takes Even
behind here like Salman does to his heroine when all the villains with
ammunitions are in front of him.
Adam “ukee mee b fu whuu kee err”
maybe “you kill me before you kill her!”
I “OK Sir!” my gun fired twice.
Dhiskiyaoon. Dhiskiyaoon. Both killed. Problem solved.
/*Dream Mode Off */
/*Back to reality*/
I wake up. Its 5 am. It’s time.
It’s time to cure the universe. To end all sorrows. How? As you may have
already known, the problems with human beings are human beings itself. So, it’s
simple. I destroy everything. I make the earth collapse. My research hypothesis
suggests that around 5000 years ago (start of Kaluga); Hindu Vedic geniuses
decided unanimously on ending the life on earth to have a fresh start again.
But their calculation got a bit wrong and they were able to create a limited
black hole whose scope ended in the Bermuda triangle. That’s the mystery behind
thing getting lost in the Bermuda triangle.
I have studied the hawking
radiation and know the black hole strength I would need to consummate the
earth. I have everything ready in my laboratory waiting just to switch it on.
I have an underground huge mass
of gasses mostly hydrogen. I will induce them to collapse on itself due to its
own gravitation and it will also take on the gasses from the atmosphere to make
it go large and large. After the threshold limit, it will contract like a star
does at the end of its life, all the atoms merge, there would be light as strong
as the sun, everything collapses and suddenly there would no earth on the face
of Milky Way!!
“THANK ME MY FRIEND. I BRING YOU
THE END”
I switch on my black hole generator.
I wait for 10 seconds. No effect? What the fuck? I cannot be wrong. I was able
to make disappear an Indian town using my experiment. This should work for
Earth. Ok. The main power to spike guard is not ON.
“THANK YOU MY FRIEND. I BRING YOU
THE END !! ”
Copyright © 2014. - Dhaval T.
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