When Prof Dhaval finally gets things solved.

It’s April 3, 2030.

I, Rishi and Prabhu are sitting in at café 90 series. The café is a theme restaurant for people who grew up in the 80s and 90s which has posters of Salman Khan and Govinda – the almost forgotten stars; the miniatures of Padmini and Maruti 800 cars which carries great antique values and has old Indian currency notes.  

We three friends are a frequent visitor here since it’s a quite place to sit and comparatively inexpensive – non-machine tea only for 10G (Ten Glodar -the common global currency since 2024)

Myself. 43 years. PhD. professor of Physics at the Arvind Kejriwal Lokpal university; I believe myself to be more genius than Einstein and Stephen combined. Missed National award due to politics; separated after my wife left me for a plumber {one of the highest earning professionals after farmers in 2030} Sceptic about things in life but cribbing is one my passion which makes me love my life. My purpose in life is to end all the sufferings of the world. I will complete the same tomorrow.

Back to the scene:

Me “That’s not what I am saying Rishi… You fucking completely misrepresent my ideas. You idiot. I really think I need some new friends. “

Prabhu. 46 years. The IT security genius guy who was one of the highest paid guys at one time. Now lives on free grants to software engineers given by government after all Pvt IT security companies were banned.

Back to the scene:

Prabhu “Calm down Dhaval... Have tea. He is just …”

Me interrupting “I am not saying that if Arvind Kejriwal had become the Prime Minister in 2014, we would have had a worse life… I am just saying his all ideologies are correct but they are based on one common assumption that – ‘People are fundamentally descent! – Give them a chance to do right and they will do it’ the truth is that we are just greedy cowardly short-sighted worms.”

Rishi. 38 years. The richest of us was smart enough to invest in pharmaceutical and agriculture companies when others were all gung-ho about technologies and infrastructure. Has high self Esteem.

Back to the scene:

Rishi “Coward fucking worms?? Speak for yourself. You failed Physicist… “

Me again interrupting “I think it’s time we accept we made our lives worse over the centuries, over the decades and over the years. Our scientists, our economists, our businessmen. We all made our own lives worse. We are a failed species. We all deserve to be evolved back to monkeys to make our lives better.”

Prabhu “hey Dhaval please… Don’t start this again. !! “

Me “OK. Then how will you explain yourself ogling to the waitress for half an hour from whom you can get a half minutes of rush and half a year of sufferings…”

Rishi “Dhaval. She is hot!! Have you checked out her…?”

Me looking at her “OK. She is hot. Sunny Leone ki beti jaisi lagti hai. But, and I am saying this because I am from the same failed species.”

Prabhu “For once we agree to you. But, how do you suggest a solution!”

Me “I had thought I have found a way. It was ‘Nothings wrong – just as long as it doesn’t hurt others’. You should just have your little joys and not bother in this engineer eats engineer; CA eats CA stupid world of programmed chaos. But, I was wrong (failed species again)”

Me to you... yes you the readers…

Why do you want to read this? Let me get this straight. I am not a lovable guy. Charm was never my forte. Others are not a priority in my life. In fact they aren’t there in the list. This is not a feel good thing either. What the fuck will I mean? Nothing. Zero.

It’s a moronic world. Not me. I am accepting it and have a vision. I am just discussing you. Your friends. Your movie stars. Your Ambanis and Tatas and Bansals. Your roots. Your Internet. Full of misinformation. Morality. Science. Religion. Technology. Sports. Money. Love. Bust. Waist line. Sex. Portfolio. Children. Sugar-free. Organic food. Insurance. Longitivity. Fuck everyone mahn.

I hate all this. All this is made by humans to make lives difficult. You will die. And there are new sets of idiots who we teach all these things and they are fooled too. What’s appropriate and what’s should be done which makes you great, and that stupid chap pursues it and lives for these things.

My uncle committed suicide because the everyday Times of India depressed him. I don’t blame him. With all the rapes, corruption, AIDS, global warning, terrorism, family values, morals, etc. you read rape of 8 yr old, you read 67 killed in Africa. What you do?

What I do? I don’t move to the next page and see hot motion pictures of daughters of Ranbir Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor and finish my tea. What should I do? Feel helpless? Did you suggest - Vote! Enter politics! IPS! IAS! Social work! Etc. No. I am a scientist. I know things. But, I am discussing you. 

What did you do?

Initially I failed. I tried to commit suicide twice. Obviously it didn’t work out… Failed species you see. No, I am not bitter for some personal setback. The setback was this world. I took charge and now have the solution.

You. I am sure you are obsessed with your sad little dreams and hopes. Your predictably unsatisfied love life, your failed business venture, your reason for low scores in some important exam – If only you had invested in a house, if only you had asked that girl out, if only you had bought Flipcart shares… Please put your should haves and could haves in your assholes. If my dad was a phone charger, I would have been a transformer. It doesn’t work that way. My mother dint studies much. But, she gave birth to this genius!! This genuisity who will solve world problems tomorrow.

I have been lucky too. I was married to a beautiful smart woman.

Cut-to-Decemeber-12-2020. Me 33 years. /*FLASHBACK*/

Me waking up in the middle of a night and shouting breathlessly “aaaaa bachaaooo… save me!! I can’t breathe… I am dying!! Save me Krishna-Jesus… Save me Satan if you are the real God… save me save me”

Sophie (my wife) “What happened?? Are you alright? Should I call a doctor?”

Me “It’s no use. Call those guys who take dead bodies!!”

Sophie (realizing its just one of my panic attacks) “Its 4 am. I have an important client meeting tomorrow. Please go to sleep”

Me “Oh yes... You have to sell your pieces of junk. The junk used by filthy rich people to buy respect.” She markets arts collectibles. “I am born wrong in this world of idiots and pieces of shit.”

Sophie “Am I a piece of shit?” Me having my medicine with water and she continuously staring at me while I do that.

Me “Off course!!”

Sophie “Dhaval. You are a very difficult person to live with!!”

Me “Is that why you had an affair with Mahesh Murthy?”

Sophie “I have told you. It wasn’t an affair!! I was just drunk! It was a brief lose of conscience maybe because of your not paying attention to me! And it was 4 years ago. You still cannot forget it. ”

Me “I think my hypothesis had the wrong assumptions. I am leaving you. Bye.” Saying this I left the house and have been living in my lab for the last ten years to solve the ‘human problems’. I earned a decent living by teaching at the Arvind Kejriwal Lokpal University. Nights I had trouble sleeping. But, pills helped.

/* Back to Present*/

April-3-2030 (after my success three days ago to the devise the device that stops ‘human problem’) at the 90 series café.

A 40 something woman enters the café and yells “Prof. Dhaval… Did you hit my girl hard today on her face for not doing some equations right? Are you insane?”

Me “That slut is your daughter. Do me a favour; don’t send her to me from tomorrow. She is more interested in attracting guys than anything else on earth! There’s no use teaching physics to a slut anyways… ”

She “she is a very nice girl you cheap guy… ” (almost lost her voice)

Me “IN YOUR OPINION. IN YOUR OPINION. This is so wrong! She is your unfortunate issue”

She “You wait till my husband comes back from New Goa?” New Goa is the new artificial beach developed in Gujarat by Mr Narendra Modi when he was the PM. This beach is now the new Goa attracting tourists around the world after the Old Goa had pollution hazards.

Me “What’s he doing in New Goa without you anyways??”

Me to my friends “Her husband is in New Goa with chicks her daughter’s age I guess. Having fun while her mother and daughter are just trying to have fun... ha-ha”. She leaves.

My friends are not laughing. Ok. My jokes go too harsh and inconsiderate at time. Had they only known how much I have helped humanity in the last 10 years and how I am going to end all the sufferings tomorrow.

Rishi “Dhaval. You are going to hell. For sure.”

Me “You should read my blog where I had written on how over the years Hell would be a better place to live…. ” Rishi and Prabhu left the place before I complete. It’s usual. They were tired of me.

Me going back to my lab to Behenandhar (previously as Bhayandar before 2020 woman empowerment movement). Tomorrow is the day. April 4, 2014. When universe will witness the true truth. I took my sleeping pills and slept.

/*DreamModeOn*/

Scene: Me in front of Adam and Eve when Adam was about to eat that apple.

Eve “u da fa aa whuu”. I guess she is saying “Who the fuck are you?” in the prehistoric Hebrew.

Me “I ka hee tukee whu”. I trying to adapt to them saying “I come here to kill you.”

Adam comes ahead and takes Even behind here like Salman does to his heroine when all the villains with ammunitions are in front of him.

Adam “ukee mee b fu whuu kee err” maybe “you kill me before you kill her!”

I “OK Sir!” my gun fired twice. Dhiskiyaoon. Dhiskiyaoon. Both killed. Problem solved.

 /*Dream Mode Off */ 

/*Back to reality*/

I wake up. Its 5 am. It’s time. It’s time to cure the universe. To end all sorrows. How? As you may have already known, the problems with human beings are human beings itself. So, it’s simple. I destroy everything. I make the earth collapse. My research hypothesis suggests that around 5000 years ago (start of Kaluga); Hindu Vedic geniuses decided unanimously on ending the life on earth to have a fresh start again. But their calculation got a bit wrong and they were able to create a limited black hole whose scope ended in the Bermuda triangle. That’s the mystery behind thing getting lost in the Bermuda triangle.

I have studied the hawking radiation and know the black hole strength I would need to consummate the earth. I have everything ready in my laboratory waiting just to switch it on.

I have an underground huge mass of gasses mostly hydrogen. I will induce them to collapse on itself due to its own gravitation and it will also take on the gasses from the atmosphere to make it go large and large. After the threshold limit, it will contract like a star does at the end of its life, all the atoms merge, there would be light as strong as the sun, everything collapses and suddenly there would no earth on the face of Milky Way!!

“THANK ME MY FRIEND. I BRING YOU THE END”

I switch on my black hole generator. I wait for 10 seconds. No effect? What the fuck? I cannot be wrong. I was able to make disappear an Indian town using my experiment. This should work for Earth. Ok. The main power to spike guard is not ON.

“THANK YOU MY FRIEND. I BRING YOU THE END !! ”

Copyright © 2014. - Dhaval T.

Sorry God! I had to shut down the Universe?

Shaina already had her bag and overcoat on and her keys in her hand and was about to leave when I stopped her at the door.

"I just got this thing working. You have to come and see it."

"I have a bus to catch."

"You can get the next one."

"The next is after an hour," she objected.

"It's super-duper. Look at the big screen (our super-quantum-computer’s 3-D screen)! "

"Will this take long?"

"An “instant”” (I smirked at this romantic java joke that we shared)?"

Some background:

Us - by which I refer to Me, Shaina (My wife), our eight assistant scientists, four chemical engineers, six electrical engineers, nine programmers, two doctors, three mathematical statisticians, a sculptor, a painter, four animators and a cleaner - represented the sum total of the human race's achievements in the field of universe emulation(mind you- it’s not simulation).

We (Me and Shaina) had put our 15 years in building this system (since we both dropped out of Stanford for our personal research). Our emulator wasn’t starting due to some cyclic redundancy error in a construct variable. We were trying to construct a computer engine capable of infinite processing power and infinite storage capacity.

This would ensure the support for our emulation. Only about 59 people knew about this project including Osama (now dead so 58) and only about 6 people including Me and Shaina (thought that we) understood it.

Most of our team had lost hope that our emulator would work. They were getting social (that’s a crime which affects the performance in any scientific research). But, I knew this would happen.

Back to present:

I was alone in office that day and I stopped Shaina.

It was like a billion Pamela Andersons on a beach. I finally succeeded in making a random semi-constructor to start the program. This thing could execute an infinite loop in less than three seconds. Pi to the last digit? In .009 peko-second!!

I called Shaina.

"I have a bus to catch."

"You can get the next one."

"The next is after an hour," she objected.

"It's super-duper. Look at the big screen"

"Will this take long?"

"An “instant” (I smirked at this romantic java joke that we shared)?"

I pressed “Enter”

The emulator started out with a Big Bang and run the thing forwards in time by approximately 14 billion years, we could see it.

She screamed “OHH MYY GODD”… the loudest since we married. “It’s running” she cried.

"Yes, yes, of course. It’s not a dream"

I coded to get a view of the earth.

She asked "Is it definitely Earth?"

"Yes. The continents match up to what we had about three hundred and fifty million years ago. I can wind the clock forwards slowly, a few million years and stop it once we start getting near the present day."

"Can you wind the clock backwards at all?"

"Ah, not sure but let’s admire the creation now…"

"Well we'd better not get past the present day, then. That's getting closer. What about this viewpoint? Can we move it?"

"We can observe the universe from any angle you like."

"We need somewhere that we know civilization is going to arise earliest. Is that some river coming out from Himalayas"

"...Yes. Got it."

We advanced some thousands of years in seconds and discovered the Indian, Egyptian, Greek civilizations. Shaina moved the viewing port, trying to find the pyramids, but with little success

Shaina asked "So... this is Earth? I mean, is this really Earth? Not an alternate Earth, produced by random variables. How are we getting so much processing?"

"I am sure it’s the real earth. It doesn't calculate the whole universe at once, just what we're looking at, which speeds up the process a little bit... metaphorically speaking... but it is still most accurate real universe there can possibly be.” I answered.

“I am getting crazy!”

"No, this will make you crazy!!" I said, suddenly zooming out and panning north. "I've found the present day. Shaina was following the route she usually took to drive from our Borivali residence to secret lab at Kanheri caves.

I advanced hour by hour.

"That's me!" she exclaimed at one point. "And there's you… I can't believe it."

"More than fifteen years…" she had tears in her eyes.

"Went like a flash," I replied.

Ohh Goshh. We are stopped.

I waved and could see myself in screen. Its not getting forward.

“Are we fcuked?. Its not responding!! The viewing port isn’t moving. It’s just showing what we are doing!”

Shaina replied “No, it's perfectly normal. This is reality. What you're looking at on the screen is essentially a database query. The universe needs inputs from us to go forward."

"...But it could… Right! We can manifest stuff in the universe? We can alter it?" I realized.

"We are God" I laughed.

"So what are we looking at?" I asked

"Our universe." She replied

"you mean yours and mine?" I was curious.

"All of us!" She exclaimed

"And they are reacting the same way I am? Which means the second universe inside that has another me doing the same thing a third time? And then inside that we've got, one inside the other inside the other”…. “Ohhh fcuk? " She shouted

"Infinite processing power, Shaina. We Designed this thing.”

"But, the functional reality of it is totally unexpected.”

“I will stop this.” I ran a program saying this...

"Dhaval, look above!" said Shaina, there was a foot-wide, completely opaque black sphere up near the ceiling. It seemed like a black hole in space.

Shaina smiled wryly while I clutched my hair with one hand. "We're constructs in a computer," she said, miserably.

"This is insane. Totally insane. I'm turning the hole off." I said.

"You're turning off a completely different hole. Somewhere up there, the real you is turning the real hole off. There are some infinite of us above and below our level, Dhaval."

"I'll sum it up for you. There is a feedback loop going on. Each universe affects the next. Everything we do in this universe will be reflected in the universes below and above. That little model there might as well be our own universe. Which means, first of all, we have to be sure that we don't do anything nasty to the universes below ours. Since the same thing will happen to us." "You've thought about this?”

"Guh. This has been an extremely bad day for my ego, Shaina. The only comfort I take from this is that somewhere up there, right at the top of a near-infinite tower of universes, there is a version of us who did this to us!"

"Well, we can't exactly turn it off now." She said.

“Ok then we will this tomorrow… lets go home and celebrate… we can continue our research tomorrow!!! We can get a Noble prize for this. This will change the universe…”

“Stop!” She yelled

I opened the door of our Quatum-Super-Computer room.
What I see ‘black hole!!’… we were surrounded from all sides by it.

“What can we do Shaina?” I asked with fear.

“Wait for action from other levels…” she said.

“But the other levels are just doing what we do? So wait for whom? ourselves”

“Ohh yes” she realized.

The black hole was getting bigger…

Last option. We kissed each other and turned the super computer off thinking it would end.

It did end... the universe!!

No inputs… Universe ends…

Sorry God !!

mere sapne sach hue...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Hardil's Dilemma

Hardil types a letter in great urgency. He pour all his thoughts, before he forgets them. But then he lingers just before clicking the “send” tab. After a moment of indecision, he decides that some thoughts are better left unsaid. He thinks he should “delete” the words, which he had typed painstakingly.
A love letter never meant to be sent. A “love history” always cherished by the individuals but not shared as the couple.
His first impression was that Pari are a typical bookworm. His latter realization was that, “They share the same dreams” Hardil was pleasantly surprised, when Pari told him YES!
But things went BAD. It turned out that they were very very different.
There have been moments when Hardil rewinds to that moment of longing … that moment of hesitation before he proposed. Like now, before he pressed the “send” button.
Their “love” had grown, nursed by distant phone calls and occasion meets. Driven together by “providence”, “nurture” and “care”, they consummated their relationship. It was filled with delicious explorations, pure fun and true “love making”. Their long distance relationship had taken its toll on their emotions and much time was spent in constrained silence.
In the end, when it was time to part, something was sorely missed.
Is it just the “feeling of love” that Hardil missed? One would say that they were in love with an “ideal person” who was more “virtual” than “real”. Could it be because they filled up the silences with their own perception of the significant other? Was it that they never made any new memories together, even when there were opportunities?
Once Pari said that she did not recognize the person she fell in love with. She said she was afraid, that Hardil had totally changed and cared for no one anymore. Hardil thought “May be that was true.”
They were having bad times for a long time and it was becoming like a love story where you know that the hero and heroine are going to separate in the end.
Now their perception is clear. What Hardil saw were two losers, who wanted to have a “Safe” relationship. The “knowing” that the other will not let you down, whatever may be. Today despite having realized each other’s dream, they still cannot let go of this “futile relationship”. What’s the reason?
Hardil still has to decide whether to press the ‘discard’ button or the ‘send’ button?
He is still not sure whether the “Love then let go” concept is right?
Hardil calls ‘Dhaval’!
To be continued……

The handkerchiefs

A washing machine has lots of handkerchiefs. Professor Gupta is talking to GENERAL SINGH.

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Well, GENERAL SINGH, we've finally scientifically confirmed why handkerchief disappear in the wash. By putting some sensors inside this washing machine, we found that if you spin a stainless metal drum at a few hundred RPM, and then inject a flow of ions in the form of a stream of hot water, it's the ideal way to create a miniature wormhole. A wormhole which does indeed occasionally swallow up a hanky. One hanky every seven point four loads, to be exact.

GENERAL SINGH: This is fascinating work, Professor Gupta.

PROFESSOR GUPTA: I wouldn't start celebrating yet, sir. We've discovered something rather alarming. You see, on some of our test runs, our washing came back not with a missing hanky, but an extra one.

GENERAL SINGH: Are you sure you didn't just lose one?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Yes, sir, we count extremely carefully.

GENERAL SINGH: Was it one of ours?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: No, sir. We ran tests. They look exactly like human handkerchief. And they're always disguised to look like whatever handkerchief are nearby, so until now nobody has ever counted carefully enough to notice that they've gained a hanky instead of losing one. We think this has been happening for years and all over the world. They've been infiltrating their way into our hanky drawers and onto our pockets. Maybe they are waiting for the moment to strike together. They're aliens. Dormant alien larvae. It's an invasion, GENERAL SINGH. And it could already be too late to stop them.

(During this, the GENERAL SINGH has turned away casually. Unseen by the Professor Gupta, he slips a large red hanky over his arm.)

GENERAL SINGH: That's a very interesting story, Professor Gupta. How many people have you told?

PROFESSOR GUPTA: Just you, sir.

GENERAL SINGH: Excellent.

He lunges for the Professor Gupta's throat and chokes him with his hanky-covered hand.